elevator small talk
with a stranger, i knew i would never see again
i never particularly enjoyed small talk
it’s filled with silly things like the weather
or how your day is going
look at this rain
i love this heat
i hate the cold
i’m good, yourself?
i am well
however, i know what the weather is like
and i am not doing all that well
but this is what we do
this is what we say
when trapped in a small box
with a stranger, we will never meet again.
The other day when I was at work folding clothes a women walked by me, she smelled of perfume and coffee. When I picked my head up I was half expecting to see my grandmother standing there. Of course it couldn’t be her, but a part of me wished it was. This women smelled just like her, that smell brought back so many memories. I’ve been missing my grandparents a lot lately, and maybe just maybe this was a sign from them. Maybe they know I am missing them like crazy too.
It was one in the morning.
I just finished breaking down.
You held me close to you and asked me to write you a poem
I cannot write you a poem, I do not know how
Still, I picked up my book and my pen and started writing
When I say I love you more I do not mean I love you more than you love me.
I mean I love you more than our disagreements.
I love you more than the stars in the sky.
I love you more than a cherry on top of a Sunday.
I love you more than all the photographs in the world.
I love you more than my video games and books.
I love you more.
I was standing near my window struggling to close it. No matter what I did the window would not close. As I was attempting to close the window a blue pick up truck drove by my house. It was an old truck, you could see the rust forming on certain spots. I turned around to my boyfriend and screamed, “He is coming for us! We have to leave!” The next thing I know I was walking down a street near my house. I remember telling myself that it was 1:30 in the morning and I shouldn’t be walking alone. I picked up the pace when I saw a man walking towards me with a box in his hand. As soon as he was close enough he started reaching into the box. “Don’t worry, I am not going to hurt you.” he said three times in a row as he pulled out the gun he had hiding in the box. I started running, as soon as I ran past him I woke up. I assume he shot me.
I have this fear of people looking in to my window when I’m asleep. Not sure why but it has always been a fear of mine. I put my blinds a certain way so even if you tried looking in you see nothing but my ceiling. Fun fact: my ceiling is covered in batman posters. The guy that I saw walking towards me was the same man that asked me to get into his car over a year ago. I was standing at the bus stop when he pulled up next to me at asked me to get into his car. I quickly stepped back and took out my phone. After asking me two more times he drove away. Seeing his face again in my dream brought back this memory.
The first time my family moved my brother and I were sitting in our car. It was pouring rain. We were watching movies on our DVD players. I believe I was 13 at the time. If you didn’t already know this when you don’t lock certain cars they automatically lock. It beeps once instead of twice. This happened multiple times while we were sitting there. A man in his 30’s came out of his house and started pounding on the window. I started freaking out and so did my brother, who was 11 at the time. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you.” he said but continued to bang on the window. He told us to stop the beeping. He truly was not trying to hurt us but I later found out he was a major dick. He threw a giant piece of ice at my brothers head once. He also threatened to hit him because my brother accidentally threw snow at his Xbox, which it did not hit.
My mom and I are very big on dreams, we always try to find the meaning behind them. Sometimes we find things that make a lot of sense, other times not so much. Dreams have always been something that interested me just for the fact that our minds come up with these intense stories while we are asleep. Yet when we are awake we would never think of anything like them. Dreams are scary ass all hell to me but I still find them extremely interesting.
If you don’t know me that well then you don’t know how frequently I have nightmares. They happen more often than I would like. One thing that I think is good about them is they make great stories. I write down each one that I can remember, so from now on I will be sharing them on here as well. Hope you enjoy my twisted mind.
As you all know dreams are complicated so these stories might be a little confusing. I will also be explaining why they scare me as much as they do, aka backstory! Everyone loves a little back story. I will be posting the first dream shortly.
Why do we hold things in? Why do we not say what’s on our mind the second we think of something? Are we scared that the other person might judge us? Are we worried that we are jumping to conclusions? Are we paranoid that what we are thinking is completely insane? Why do we keep these thoughts locked up inside? We know they are slowly tearing us apart, yet we stay quiet.
I realized something recently, no matter what you are thinking, no matter how crazy it might seem in your head; tell that person. Tell them what is on your mind. If they truly care about you it won’t matter how crazy it sounds, the will assure you that everything is okay and will be okay. Stop holding things in. Let the thoughts out, work shit out. Stop making things worse for yourself and the ones around you. The longer you hold back the worse it will be.
Breathe. Take a step back. Lay everything out on the table. Now pick it apart piece by piece. See what fits and what doesn’t. It might take a while but in the end, you will have your solution. So, breathe. Nothing is as bad as it sets out to be. Trust me. Trust the ones around you. They are here to help you rise not pull you down into the fire. Speak your mind and I promise you things will be better.
I hate when people say that this is just a bump in the road and that we have to walk through fire before we can walk on the sand. Honestly, it feels like my feet are about to fall off from the burns. My feet do not know what it is like to walk on soft cold sand. Every time I overcome one obstacle, another one is placed on my shoulders. I know when people tell me these things they are only trying to make me feel better, try to lessen the blow. That’s okay because I tell people the same thing. Because for a short while they will believe it. Until something else is thrown at them. Then it is right back to square one. It is just a repeating cycle in life.
I believe life is exactly how you make it. If you want a happy life you live a happy life. Now I’m not saying people want to feel miserable. No one does, no one ever does. However, sometimes it is so hard to crawl out of the ditch you are in. Like now, I feel stuck. I feel like every time I come close to the stop I fall back in. I’m stuck. There is no where for me to go.
But let me tell you something, life is one long ass fucking roller coaster. There are going to be a million ups and downs. More downs than ups at some points. Maybe it is worth it. Maybe it isn’t. There is no saying this will make your life better or worse. You need to go with the punches and fight back with all your might. This is life. You can only do so much.
I feel very low right now. I write when I feel anything, everything or nothing. It helps me clear my mind. It helps me look at the positive. One thing it doesn’t do is take away the hurt. The hurt is still here. Writing is a bandaid. It just covers the wound, hides it. It’s still there and it still hurts. But it helps the healing process. So, I keep writing, I will never stop writing.